Jerks With Glasses and Questions and iPods

•April 8, 2010 • 1 Comment

We thought it was a simple task.  Five questions. Four eyes.  Jerky answers.  So obviously, we were unprepared for the epic journey on which DANTON would take us while we waited for the latest installment of Jerks With Glasses and Questions. We laughed. We cried. We learned new things about the world.  We answered his questions for him.  But, finally, the answers arrived, and now we present to you our interview with Eric R. Danton, Critic of Rock.

DANTON

Going for the record in simultaneous wearing of shirts with collars. Photo by Bettina Hansen

JWG: If your glasses were a rock star, who would they be and why?  Bonus points if you pick Vanilla Ice, because we have a theory about this.

ED: You’re probably expecting that I’ll answer with Elvis Costello or Craig Finn, but come on. What do you take my glasses for? They wouldn’t emulate some other rock star. No way. They’d forge their own indelible style: catchy, smart and a little edgy, with a keen balance of heart and wit. Such inspiring glasses!

Now, what’s this theory about Vanilla Ice?

JWG: So. Remember that glasses t-shirt you were going to get for us?

ED: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

JWG: Where is it?

ED: This is entrapment.

JWG: We noticed that you’ve given some favorable reviews to non-bespectacled musicians.  What’s the going rate for your DANTON stamp of approval?

ED: There’s just one criterion for a favorable review, and it applies equally to the bespectacled and those cursed by perfect vision: Don’t suck. Unfortunately, not sucking is a surprisingly rare quality.

JWG:  Do you know who Eric Danton is? We have it on good authority that you don’t.

ED: First, I quibble with the premise of the question, because we all know that Colin McEnroe is hardly a good authority. For one thing, he’s obsessed with food — other people’s food. It’s obvious that Colin McEnroe is fascinated by the idea of gas-station fried chicken, but also afraid. I hereby volunteer to personally guide Colin McEnroe through the gas-station chicken experience.

Also, he’s totally mischaracterizing my Wonderbra review. I think that band holds up rather well.

Anyway, regardless of what Colin McEnroe thinks, I know perfectly well who Eric Danton is. According to my Facebook friends list, Eric Danton is a French kid who digs “NCIS.”

JWG: Extra Credit: Tell us about your crazy SXSW conspiracy theory.  The glasses one. NOW.

ED: It’s not really a conspiracy theory as much as an observation: few places on earth are better for watching hipster jerks wearing hipster-jerk glasses than at SXSW. There are just so many of them, preening and competing to see whose look is the most ironic. Not only is there a selection of ridiculous sunglasses on display, SXSW offers hints about the latest eyewear trends that myopic woo-girls on bachelorette parties will have picked up three years from now, making it that much trickier for true jerks with glasses to identify each other by frames alone.

We’re Jerks With Glasses AND Questions

•March 24, 2010 • 1 Comment

Look, guys, we know we didn’t just rise up out of the seafoam as the stunning jerks that we are. No, we have our influences. So, when Colin McEnroe showed up to Creative Cocktail Hour looking all spiffy, we decided it was time to ask him a thing or two.  Or five.

Colin McEnroe hosting his show. Photo by Chion Wolf

1) We noticed that you’ve recently started sporting invisible frames, or what we at Jerks With Glasses call POWERGLASSES. We also noticed that you arrived at the most recent Creative Cocktail Hour in a snazzy new blue stripy shirt, and that your hair was particularly well-quaffed. Two part question: When did you go Palin, and why have you decided to run for Attorney General?

Look. I don’t want to be a, you know, a jerk about this, but – as Carl is my witness – I had frames like this around 2003, when Sarah Palin was smearing herself with elk guts and wondering if anybody knew she existed. Carl picked them out then and, when they were being made, he would tell me little stories about them. “Your glasses are in Switzerland now … Today they’re in L.A.” My glasses had a life! The blue stripy shirt was a hand-me-down from my son. I think my hair was actually well-coiffed unless somebody was trying to drink my hair. That usually happens later at the CCH. If you’re still there around 10 and look kind of cute in your new glasses, someone will try to drink your hair. You should not go home with that person.

2) In movies, actors often remove their glasses for dramatic effect. What are your top three dramatic glasses movie moments?

I think the greatest glasses-removing scene in movie history was when, in “Avatar,” I removed the glasses they gave me and said to myself “What am I doing at this stupid fucking movie?”

I’m not particularly turned on when Clark Kent removes his glasses.

I love it in movies when some fabulous woman is wearing glasses and then removes them and there’s this “Good heavens, Miss Sakamoto. You’re beautiful!” moment. As if that were somehow not previously obvious. [Did you need to Google that cultural reference?] [Jerks: no.]

In one of Marilyn Monroe’s movies, she’s scared to wear her glasses because they’ll make her look ugly. Huh. So she goes around not being able to see.

And in “That Touch of Mink,” I think Gig Young removes some woman’s glasses, and she doesn’t look any better and he says: “Gee. It always works in the movies.”

3) On the Colin Mcenroe show, neither your producer, Patrick Skahill, nor your sidekick, Chion Wolf, wear glasses. How do you trust them?

I don’t trust them, and they don’t trust me. Chion wears her hair that way because she’s worried someone will drink it.

Patrick is currently being treated for near-karoshi (death by overwork) at a top-notch facility called the Skahill Clinic. They named it after him just based on his reputation.

I guess what I’m saying is that I think he’s too tired most of the time to be really dangerous.

4) TRUE OR FALSE: Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Please explain your answer.

Well, it’s like – as we were all saying that night at CCH – the Wonderbra. You see the girl. You like the girl. Then you start thinking about taking it off. Then, one thing leads to another, and she does take it off. And then you want her to put it back on. Or not.

I’m kind of making myself hot, just writing this.

Glasses are like that. I mean, they can be part of the allure. And then she takes them off and you want them to be put back on. And then…I don’t know. I’ve never actually been with a woman but I imagine it to be a series of negotiations.

5) We think we’re going to interview Eric Danton, Hartford Courant rock critic, next. What’s up with that guy?

Eric gave the rock band Wonderbra a very poor and unfair review.

Here is the thing about Eric. He went on the raw foods diet for weeks until he turned a kind of matte gold color and his fingernails fell out.

And then he wrote this whole thing about which gas station has the best late night fried chicken.

Eric doesn’t know who Eric is.

That’s what I’m saying.

EXTRA CREDIT: Of all the bespectacled guests on your show, who has been your favorite? You may pick up to two people.

I love the Jerks so much, and I am just grateful I don’t have to pick one over the other.
My favorite bespeckled guest was a leopard.

Quick and dirty (foggy?) update

•March 10, 2010 • 2 Comments

What? We’re busy. You’re just going to have to deal.  But here’s some stuff to keep you from whining so much, guys.

First: We got some hate mail.  We’ll address it soon.

Second: This is POSSIBLY the finest news article of our time.

Third: Meghan did NOT wear her glasses yesterday.  We’re pretty sure the End Times are here.

Fourth: If you’ve ever wondered what sort of conversations we have in the JWG Secret Headquarters…it’s not that far off from this:

We’re now a target market, people.

•February 22, 2010 • 6 Comments

So. We have a love/hate relationship with Urban Outfitters.

On the one hand, I (Abby) got an AWESOME Odd Ball dress there for like $20.  On the other hand? Gladiator Sandals.  On the same first hand (different finger), sometimes they actually have cute shoes.  On the other hand (different finger): one time I was wearing an Ithaca is GORGES t-shirt I actually bought IN ITHACA at a locally-owned store and someone asked me if I got it at Urban Outfitters. I might have written a rant about it in a livejournal I’m not going to link to (the post is private anyway, so you can’t see it so there).

On the third hand that we both grew special for this post? These pillows. And this, whatever it is.

Which leads us to believe that Jerks With Glasses is part of a growing consumer trend. It’ll be mere minutes before someone gives us free stuff and we start reviewing “MUST HAVE” items. (HINT HINT. WE ARE NOT ABOVE SELLING OUT).

Which brings us to this:

THE JERKS WITH GLASSES NOT AT ALL WEEKLY(ISH) POLL:

In other glasses products consumer news: The Mark Twain House bookstore sells reading glasses WITH LIGHTS IN THEM. Support your local cultural institutions, guys.

When the Lenses are Clackin’, You Know that They’re Mackin’

•February 11, 2010 • 2 Comments

Once you announce your espousal of spectacles to the world, you tend to be bombarded with a lot of naysayers. People try – often even before properly greeting you – to convince you of the drawbacks of such a lifestyle.

“What about sudden shifts in temperature or humidity?” they ask.

“What about martial arts tournament participation?”

And then, the go-to, knock-down, drag-out objection: “What about when you’re knockin’ boots?”

Well, we here at JWG have given this challenge a lot of thought. We’ve searched our vast souls. We’ve discussed it with our Board.

As best we can tell, what you think the problem is here is the awkward clack and subsequent shift of two pairs of glasses, the resulting eyeball smudges, the percussive knocking of lenses, and the danger of collateral lens scratching.

Here’s what we think:

  1. The awkward clack-and-shift: This is a fundamental part of modern love. Ever heard of Picasso? JWG copulate like cubists, y’all!
  2. Eyeball smudges: These, friends, are the indices of love. It’s like wearing a lover’s shirt to bed, or turning your face into a rumpled pillow, or taking inventory of your body in the shower after. Eyeball smudges are sexy like tousled hair.
  3. Percussive knocking: Slow Jams? Who needs them? Of course we don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind, but then, we like this band, so it’s perhaps not surprising that we favor percussive knocking in our love making.
  4. Collateral scratches: They’re like notches in the bed posts of nerds – I mean jerks – the world over.

But really, guys, what it comes down to is that we reject a world that encourages its myopic members to have sexual relations with indistinct, fuzzy blotches, rather than with fully individuated beings.

We are about sexual respect.  DO IT WITH YOUR GLASSES ON.

For more of our thoughts on love or – ahem – more of us humiliating ourselves in public, stop by Real Art Ways on Saturday night for WINCE.  This time it’s about your tales of embarrassment, agony, or nerdish victory in love.  Photos, videos, ballads, slow jams, the valentines you make for Billy Jankowicz who reneged on his promise to go with you to the junior prom, Dear John letters, love poems, journal entries…We want to experience it with you.  And if that’s not love…

WEEKLY JERK(ISH) POLL: SHE’S GOT THE MOVES

•January 27, 2010 • 1 Comment

We at JWG encourage the use of glasses as a prop.

We’d probably pay money for documentation of someone attempting that last option.

Jerks with glasses (and photoshop)

•January 26, 2010 • Leave a Comment

So, we’re having a contest. Actually, we’re having TWO contests.

Anyway. We asked you to photoshop glasses onto one of our board members.  Here’s our first submission, which is quite a doozy:

It's....so...beautiful.

(Who did it? this guy.)

Obviously, this is a HUGE improvement on the “before” shot.  Got one of your own? send it to us: jerkswithglasses at gmail dot com