We’re Jerks With Glasses AND Questions

Look, guys, we know we didn’t just rise up out of the seafoam as the stunning jerks that we are. No, we have our influences. So, when Colin McEnroe showed up to Creative Cocktail Hour looking all spiffy, we decided it was time to ask him a thing or two.  Or five.

Colin McEnroe hosting his show. Photo by Chion Wolf

1) We noticed that you’ve recently started sporting invisible frames, or what we at Jerks With Glasses call POWERGLASSES. We also noticed that you arrived at the most recent Creative Cocktail Hour in a snazzy new blue stripy shirt, and that your hair was particularly well-quaffed. Two part question: When did you go Palin, and why have you decided to run for Attorney General?

Look. I don’t want to be a, you know, a jerk about this, but – as Carl is my witness – I had frames like this around 2003, when Sarah Palin was smearing herself with elk guts and wondering if anybody knew she existed. Carl picked them out then and, when they were being made, he would tell me little stories about them. “Your glasses are in Switzerland now … Today they’re in L.A.” My glasses had a life! The blue stripy shirt was a hand-me-down from my son. I think my hair was actually well-coiffed unless somebody was trying to drink my hair. That usually happens later at the CCH. If you’re still there around 10 and look kind of cute in your new glasses, someone will try to drink your hair. You should not go home with that person.

2) In movies, actors often remove their glasses for dramatic effect. What are your top three dramatic glasses movie moments?

I think the greatest glasses-removing scene in movie history was when, in “Avatar,” I removed the glasses they gave me and said to myself “What am I doing at this stupid fucking movie?”

I’m not particularly turned on when Clark Kent removes his glasses.

I love it in movies when some fabulous woman is wearing glasses and then removes them and there’s this “Good heavens, Miss Sakamoto. You’re beautiful!” moment. As if that were somehow not previously obvious. [Did you need to Google that cultural reference?] [Jerks: no.]

In one of Marilyn Monroe’s movies, she’s scared to wear her glasses because they’ll make her look ugly. Huh. So she goes around not being able to see.

And in “That Touch of Mink,” I think Gig Young removes some woman’s glasses, and she doesn’t look any better and he says: “Gee. It always works in the movies.”

3) On the Colin Mcenroe show, neither your producer, Patrick Skahill, nor your sidekick, Chion Wolf, wear glasses. How do you trust them?

I don’t trust them, and they don’t trust me. Chion wears her hair that way because she’s worried someone will drink it.

Patrick is currently being treated for near-karoshi (death by overwork) at a top-notch facility called the Skahill Clinic. They named it after him just based on his reputation.

I guess what I’m saying is that I think he’s too tired most of the time to be really dangerous.

4) TRUE OR FALSE: Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Please explain your answer.

Well, it’s like – as we were all saying that night at CCH – the Wonderbra. You see the girl. You like the girl. Then you start thinking about taking it off. Then, one thing leads to another, and she does take it off. And then you want her to put it back on. Or not.

I’m kind of making myself hot, just writing this.

Glasses are like that. I mean, they can be part of the allure. And then she takes them off and you want them to be put back on. And then…I don’t know. I’ve never actually been with a woman but I imagine it to be a series of negotiations.

5) We think we’re going to interview Eric Danton, Hartford Courant rock critic, next. What’s up with that guy?

Eric gave the rock band Wonderbra a very poor and unfair review.

Here is the thing about Eric. He went on the raw foods diet for weeks until he turned a kind of matte gold color and his fingernails fell out.

And then he wrote this whole thing about which gas station has the best late night fried chicken.

Eric doesn’t know who Eric is.

That’s what I’m saying.

EXTRA CREDIT: Of all the bespectacled guests on your show, who has been your favorite? You may pick up to two people.

I love the Jerks so much, and I am just grateful I don’t have to pick one over the other.
My favorite bespeckled guest was a leopard.


~ by likebadlovesongs on March 24, 2010.

One Response to “We’re Jerks With Glasses AND Questions”

  1. […] JWG:  Do you know who Eric Danton is? We have it on good authority that you don’t. […]

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