Oh hey, it’s the Wednesday before Christmas.  I was going to buy a lot of really nice gifts for my family online, but there’s no way in H-E-double Hockey Sticks (because this is a family blog) that I’m going to pay for that rush shipping.  I WISH THERE WAS A HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE FOR THE LAST MINUTE JERK WITH GLASSES!

Oh.  Here’s one.

For Dad:

Drug store reading glasses. He’s getting old, but if he’s anything like my dad, he’ll insist on holding my thoughtfully written Christmas cards at arms length in order to read it instead of putting some glasses on his face and reading like a normal person. This holiday season, give the gift of lost pride.

For Mom:

One time, when I was five, I made a dress for my mom for Christmas.  It was strapless, half pink flannel (with blue dots) and half bright yellow felt.  So obviously, it was AWESOME. I think there was a green ribbon involved.  AND SHE NEVER WORE IT.

So, to avoid future heartbreak, I recommend the following:

Any of these here paint by number kits. They sell them at Michael’s or probably any other craft store.  That way if your mom doesn’t like the finished product, she has no one to blame but herself.

For the kids:

Lars von Trier’s Dancer in the Dark

Kids like musicals, right?

Found at your local chain book/coffee/music/dvd store.  If they don’t have it, loudly tell the manager you’ll have to shop at amazon.  He’ll rummage around back and gingerly hand you the last copy. You know, the one he had hidden away to give to lil’ Susie, who don’t walk right these days.

For Eric DANTON:

He’s a little shy about sharing these things, but we have it on good authority that he made two trips all the way out to Westfarms just to ask Santa for this.


A donation in their name to Action for Blind People. Get it? GET IT?

Keep these suggestions in mind, and you pretty much can’t go wrong.  Happy shopping.


~ by jerkswithglasses on December 23, 2009.

5 Responses to “LAST MINUTE GIFT IDEAS… with glasses”

  1. Dancer in the Dark is especially appropriate as a gift for the children of acquaintances. In case they didn’t already know, it exhibits to them your sensitivity and general good taste.

    Today’s acquaintances are tomorrow’s bosom buddies.

  2. Oh, please, Santa, fulfill my every Beatles-based Christmas wish!

  3. i am wearing my dancer in the dark t-shirt today.
    it says it is age appropriate for kids 3 and up.
    t-shirts do not lie.

  4. and dear lord how amazing!
    i have determined that jerks w/ glasses have created time travel, as they allow me to post my comments in the future.
    there is nothing jerks with impaired vision are capable of!

  5. There was probably a jerky reason for setting the time zone at +30 min, but we can’t remember it anymore.

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