A Proposed Taxonomy: “The Dead End of Western Civilization”?

We were sitting in a small, dark booth drinking expensive beer when Abby and I decided that we had a ethical (perhaps even a moral) obligation to explain something to you.

One of the things that united us as Jerks With Glasses – aside from the fact that we, you know, both wear glasses – is an abiding love of categorization. This love led us to create a tongue-in-cheek photographic archive of people on boats (with such categories as UNSAFE!, your kids are bored, and phallic symbols). It led us to produce a series of events that neatly organize your moments of adolescent humiliation into themes.

And it is leading us, over the next several weeks, to present to you a taxonomy of jerks (with glasses).

It is our hope that you will use this information to orient yourself to the world with a better understanding of the motivations (and often the poor choices) of those that surround you.

In planning this taxonomy, we sketched out a chart*. One axis denotes the level of influence or the amount of power a jerk has. We have affectionately named the other axis “The Fuck You Axis,” which should be self-explanatory and accounts for an important problem we’ve encountered when writing about jerks. There are some jerks you admire and some jerks you really loath.

And so begins your Snarkimental Education:
HIPSTERS WITH GLASSES BIGGER THAN YOURS

Who's got the biggest...

We agonized over how to define this category. It hits a little close to home. We have prominent frames. We listen to music that’s generally better than yours. We have vintage aprons and cookbooks. We watch our artsy tv series with the French subtitles turned on. We’ve created this site, for goodness sake.

But we’re not sure we want to be considered “the dead end of Western civilization.”

So. Here it is.  Hipsters recycle prior trends without a fleck of authenticity.  So, remember those Sally Jesse Raphael frames your mother inexplicably made you wear in middle school?  Yeah.  Hipsters like those.  Remember Elvis Costello’s glasses (great band name, by the way)?  They wear those without recognizing the man to whom they ought to be paying homage.  Hipsters are jerks because they hate history.  They hate history while pretending not to care.

Abby and I may be jerks with prominent glasses, BUT WE DO NOT HATE HISTORY.  AND WE CARE A LOT.

* We will provide a copy of this chart when we finish presenting the taxonomy.

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~ by likebadlovesongs on November 24, 2009.

4 Responses to “A Proposed Taxonomy: “The Dead End of Western Civilization”?”

  1. this is why i love you guys.

    a lot.

    i wrote a long piece on exactly this,hipsters lacking authenticity, well minus glasses: http://talesfromthemutliverse.blogspot.com/2008/07/what-is-hipster.html

    so i agree about a billion and three times

  2. this is great! thank you. i feel much better about my vegan-leaning plaid-and-legging-wearing sewing/crafting/blogging tendencies! we are aware of our fashion appropriations! i also need to find the 6th grade school picture of me with my giant glasses, lace collared floral print dress. that girl would be SO HIP right now!

  3. […] enlightened podcasts about ROCK with these guys, that there’s another element of our glasses taxonomy we should […]

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