Jerk ruined my vacation. Or, delayed it for 2 hours. Same thing.

So stick this in your brain through your eyeballs (if you’re taking off your glasses, you’re doing it wrong) and try to follow me, K?:

I’m ready for vacation. The night before, I packed and brought my stuff and the kittens north to Matthew’s house, which is on the way to where we’re going. Matthew’s housemate said he’d look after the kittens, which is good since he kind of half owns one of them with Matthew.

Anyway, next morning I go to work early, have to stay a little later than I intended, and finally make it to Matthew’s at, oh, 5 PM.

Matthew’s not there.  I walk up to the door of the house, and see my cat, Eleanor, staring back at me.  She’s got a weird look on her face.  Upon seeing me, she positions her head for optimum bolting potential and keeps her eyes fixed on mine.

I say, “You fucker. You motherfucker. You DIDN’T.”

She did. The DAY OF my vacation, while I was at work, my cat decided to go into heat.

I grab her hind legs when I open the door.  I pick her up, and she yowls, probably trying to call the white longhaired tomcat who has been serenading* her for the past week, whenever she’s at the house.  Whore.

I go inside and look at Matthew’s kitten, Tombert.  She (yes, she) is sleeping on the couch.  Why can’t mine be more like her? Except not fat.  At least Eleanor’s not a fattie.

When Matthew gets home (you know, after she escapes and makes a run for the kitty equivalent of the red light district and he has to go catch her), I’ve got a complicated kitty air lock door scheme worked out on a piece of paper for Matthew’s roommate.  I’ve got reminder notes ready for all the doors.  Eleanor, meanwhile, is yowling out the window, freaking the fuck out and running from door to door.  I look at her.  She looks at me.  That fucker.

I can’t leave Matthew’s housemate alone with a yowling, sex-obsessed cat.  I call that other jerk with glasses.  She agrees to check in on them, in Hartford.  I get in the car, drive the kittens 1/2 hour south to Hartford, drop off the keys, and finally hit the road at 7 PM.

All night, I wonder how my cat could be such a jerk without wearing glasses.  My world’s all crashing down around me and stuff.  And then I have a Usual Suspects Kobayashi on the bottom of the mug that breaks 1000000 times moment: Eleanor freaking wears glasses.

look at the lines coming off her eyeballs.  Holy shit.

look at the lines coming off her eyeballs. Holy shit.

She was born with glasses. That jerk.  I hate cats.

Here’s what she doesn’t know: I’m getting her fixed on Friday. Hah. Haha. Hahahahah. HAH.

*I use the term “serenading” liberally, here.  He’s making the sound a car makes when it won’t start, as sung by Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Advertisements

~ by jerkswithglasses on August 11, 2009.

4 Responses to “Jerk ruined my vacation. Or, delayed it for 2 hours. Same thing.”

  1. This is the best story I have ever read.

  2. Whoa. That jerk DOES have glasses. Easy Puss Eleanor.

  3. Well – you just had her uterus surgically removed. I guess you win.

    • EXTRA SUPER BONUS:
      She’s going to have to wear an Elizabethan collar for a week. I’d better charge my camera batteries.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: