Jerks With Glasses and Questions and iPods
We thought it was a simple task. Five questions. Four eyes. Jerky answers. So obviously, we were unprepared for the epic journey on which DANTON would take us while we waited for the latest installment of Jerks With Glasses and Questions. We laughed. We cried. We learned new things about the world. We answered his questions for him. But, finally, the answers arrived, and now we present to you our interview with Eric R. Danton, Critic of Rock.
Going for the record in simultaneous wearing of shirts with collars. Photo by Bettina Hansen
JWG: If your glasses were a rock star, who would they be and why? Bonus points if you pick Vanilla Ice, because we have a theory about this.
ED: You’re probably expecting that I’ll answer with Elvis Costello or Craig Finn, but come on. What do you take my glasses for? They wouldn’t emulate some other rock star. No way. They’d forge their own indelible style: catchy, smart and a little edgy, with a keen balance of heart and wit. Such inspiring glasses!
Now, what’s this theory about Vanilla Ice?
JWG: So. Remember that glasses t-shirt you were going to get for us?
ED: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
JWG: Where is it?
ED: This is entrapment.
JWG: We noticed that you’ve given some favorable reviews to non-bespectacled musicians. What’s the going rate for your DANTON stamp of approval?
ED: There’s just one criterion for a favorable review, and it applies equally to the bespectacled and those cursed by perfect vision: Don’t suck. Unfortunately, not sucking is a surprisingly rare quality.
JWG: Do you know who Eric Danton is? We have it on good authority that you don’t.
ED: First, I quibble with the premise of the question, because we all know that Colin McEnroe is hardly a good authority. For one thing, he’s obsessed with food — other people’s food. It’s obvious that Colin McEnroe is fascinated by the idea of gas-station fried chicken, but also afraid. I hereby volunteer to personally guide Colin McEnroe through the gas-station chicken experience.
Also, he’s totally mischaracterizing my Wonderbra review. I think that band holds up rather well.
Anyway, regardless of what Colin McEnroe thinks, I know perfectly well who Eric Danton is. According to my Facebook friends list, Eric Danton is a French kid who digs “NCIS.”
JWG: Extra Credit: Tell us about your crazy SXSW conspiracy theory. The glasses one. NOW.
ED: It’s not really a conspiracy theory as much as an observation: few places on earth are better for watching hipster jerks wearing hipster-jerk glasses than at SXSW. There are just so many of them, preening and competing to see whose look is the most ironic. Not only is there a selection of ridiculous sunglasses on display, SXSW offers hints about the latest eyewear trends that myopic woo-girls on bachelorette parties will have picked up three years from now, making it that much trickier for true jerks with glasses to identify each other by frames alone.
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